I’m not breaking new ground here, calling this perhaps the greatest achievement in film-making of all time, but it’s fresh (no pun intended) on my mind so I wanted to revisit it with the benefit of hindsight.
I was up Saturday morning with my 3 year old daughter. She has dance lessons at 10:15 or as they call it, “creative movement”, so yes, it’s basically just a chance to dress them up in cute little dance clothes and let them jump somewhere until the weather turns. At about 8:30, I turn on the TV and as I’m scrolling, I see that “Breakin” is on (as in Electric Bugaloo – is there another movie where you have to reference the second one to have people understand you’re talking about the first? I can’t think of one) and in an act of extraordinary parenting, I say to myself, “I’m going to get her jacked up for dancing by letting her watch this.” In retrospect, yes, this is demented and I half-knew going in that unless Dora was up there poppin’ and lockin’, her attention is going to wane pretty quick.
Needless to say, my daughter’s part in this story began and pretty much ended there as she (fortunately) found better things to do immediately. So there I was, watching “Breakin’” and an unholy sense of wonder and horror set in, the way only an 80s movie can make you feel and I realized at that moment how history would reflect upon this cinematic gem as the standard by which all other dance movies should be measured. There are several primary elements of historical intrigue that need to be discussed.
Along the lines of the “Three Men and a Baby” tuxedo ghost boy and the hanging munchkin in “The Wizard of Oz”, perhaps the most colossal exhibition of comedy by an extra who would one day be a star is that of Jean-Claude Van Dam in “Breakin”. When O-Zone is showing Kelly street-dancin’ at its finest and there’s the dude with the metal crutches busting out some crazy moves, rounding out the circle is Jean-Claude Van Dam wearing what appears to be a wrestling singlet, SO FUCKING INTO IT, it’s absurd. And just when you think he’s going to fade into the rest of the group, he reappears, clapping, arms in the air, dancing just like he did in “Kickboxer” except he’s not supposed to be drunk and he doesn’t have the benefit of some 89 other minutes of kicking the crap out of Tong Po and trees and stuff. It is so hypnotic. I didn’t want it to end.
Christopher MacDonald is in this movie and it made me think about what it would be like to be Christopher MacDonald and act in like, a hundred movies, and have no one know your name (except dorks like me) other than Shooter MacGavin. Do people ask him all the time if he really does eat pieces of shit for breakfast? Point here is that this movie is in 1984 and he’s the older, sorta agent, for Kelly. So how old is Christopher MacDonald? This movie was 26 years ago. I always thought of him as a young dude. He’s actually 55, which is younger than I initially thought while writing this. Okay, maybe this one just affects me. Nonetheless, Shooter MacGavin in this movie, people.
Ice T is the rapper at the dance off and does a really, really vanilla rap at the end which I will discuss in a minute. What hasn’t Ice T done and at what point was he an actual pimp, because he was a legit dude back in the day? He’s 52.
Breakin’ actually revealed the existence and absurdity of dance-offs, yet this wasn’t exploited until “You’ve Been Served” or whatever the Hell that movie is called. A main plot point in Breakin’ is that O-Zone and Turbo are dancing one day and kinda get challenged but they walk away but then O-Zone comes around so they “train”, pick up Kelly to offset the ugly broad on the other side and come out “victorious” during the ”club” scene. Seriously, I could quote every other word in this review. Why is it evident that someone wins a dance off and the other person loses? During the club party where the “battle” goes down, I thought it was pretty even. And then O-Zone, Turbo and Kelly line up and do some crazy run and leap at the evil dancers like it was clear as day they’d won.
The main characters are the worst/best casting choices ever, chosen solely for dancing prowess. Seriously, you couldn’t get anyone better than O-Zone? He makes Gregory Hines look like Michael Clarke Duncan, except he dresses like a cross between Zorro and Olivia Newton John. Is there supposed to be some sex appeal with that guy? Johnny Castle, he’s not.
I fucking hate Turbo, dancing aside, because he’s much more than a pop/lock guy. I know he’s supposed to be cheeky and represent the rebellious youth of street culture but he’s just a creep. When he’s tasting the hors d’ouevres at the snooty dance event, you can hardly even enjoy how poorly acted it is. It was like it was out of an episode of “Voyage of the Mimi” (if anyone gets this, it’s worth it).
I think of Kelly as a young, brunette agent Scully before she hooked up with Mulder. And for this, she gets a pass.
So here’s the other thing about the main characters, Kelly aside - they have nicknames that aren’t O-Zone and Turbo! Respectively, it’s “Shabba Doo” and “Bugaloo Shrimp”. Just…why?!
Finally, because this is too long already, the last rap. What was it about rap back then that was socially responsible and educational? Did NWA usher in the era where it’s all about money, booty, killing stuff, and whatever? Ice T’s ”rap talkin’” at the end of this movie is something The Fresh Prince would have thought lame. All about kids and dreams and overcoming obstacles and realizing potential and giving people a chance, regardless of appearance… who wants to hear about that shit? And he ends it with, “wait for part 2″ and they flash a coming soon, “Electric Bugaloo” – the new dance sensation graphic. They greenlighted a sequel before this went out?!
I miss the 80s, early 90s. Everything was so, just so… stupid. And glorious. Now excuse me while a break down some cardboard in my office and go all JCVD on it.
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